Piano Played Well
I found this draft I had written years ago, before marriage and babies, before Colorado, before a lot. Jesus was starting to become my vision, his guiding hand clearly evident. That seems to be the case his work in our lives starts far before we recognize it.
It's never about falling on your face (though it hurts) it's always about what you do after you've fallen.
At church last night I was scheduled to play a piece after the pastor gave his message. I was going to play He is Exalted, it is a song that I love. First let me say I don’t like playing the piano in front of people, captive audiences. My hands sweat and all my limbs shake as if a category 5 hurricane is swirling inside me.
So I sit though the service and wait til the time comes for me to play. It is a song I know forwards and backwards I have played it countless times. I make a steady path towards the paino and sit down on the hard wooden bench. Deep breath in I take a moment to study the well loved keys. Then I begin to play and it goes just as I practiced, "He is exalted the king is exlated on high... F-E-C, F-E-C, D..." and then blank was it F# next where was that G again, I was lost pitch settled over my mind, notes, chords, keys I could discern none of it. I stumbled and bumbled my way through it fighting for any glimmer of light. When I reached the end the finisihing chords seemed just out of my reach and in desparation I played F major and ended. Failure.
The failure was not that my piano playing was jumbled and in my ears unintelligible, my failure was that when I got to my seat burning tears ran molten paths down my checks, embarrassment coursed through my veins and pity rained down hard. I could not bring myself out of if for the rest of church my eyes where a deep shade of emerald and a hideous shade of crimson, my nose a fountain. Anyone who came up to me seemed to hold the key to unlock the tides a fresh. I hated that this was my reaction, so far from how I wanted to react and light years away from anything I pictured in my head of how this would go. I messed up sure but it’s not the end of the world. I wanted to slap myself and say snap out of it, but as the night progessed I only sunk deeper into this quick sand of selfish sorrow, it’s granulated tentacles pulling me further under the suffocating sands. This was the failure.
My piano playing was for me, I could say it wasn't that I was trying to please others, but my emotions display the true nature of my heart. And this saddens me even more because I feel broken and I want to be angry and upset and embarrassed, I want to hold a tantrum and go to my room and lock out the world. I want to be left alone and unnoticed. It’s me me me. My failure comes from my attitude and my eyes were not trained on the Lord but on myself. It’s a pattern I keep repeating. Let's move on already!
Any success I have comes from the Lord who works and shines through me. All of these emotions I have described above are selfish and false. Because in Christ I am a new creation, in Christ I can do all things, in Christ the rest of the world fades away, in Christ my weakness is made strong, in Christ He receives the glory. In Christ that is what I am. It is believing in that at all times and holding steadfast to this faith, that in Christ He can…..
Success comes not from playing well or cooking well or getting praise for any of it. Success comes from seeing who I am in Christ and from looking only to Him. Success is found in living for Christ, failure is not believing it. Success is allowing God to work through me and giving everything for His glory.
And God does have a sense of humor since that piano playing incident I have not played piano in a church since until now that is, when I was asked to play about a month ago, and will continue to play every couple weeks. To God be the glory!
Colossians 3:16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord.
~~~
It's never about falling on your face (though it hurts) it's always about what you do after you've fallen.
At church last night I was scheduled to play a piece after the pastor gave his message. I was going to play He is Exalted, it is a song that I love. First let me say I don’t like playing the piano in front of people, captive audiences. My hands sweat and all my limbs shake as if a category 5 hurricane is swirling inside me.
So I sit though the service and wait til the time comes for me to play. It is a song I know forwards and backwards I have played it countless times. I make a steady path towards the paino and sit down on the hard wooden bench. Deep breath in I take a moment to study the well loved keys. Then I begin to play and it goes just as I practiced, "He is exalted the king is exlated on high... F-E-C, F-E-C, D..." and then blank was it F# next where was that G again, I was lost pitch settled over my mind, notes, chords, keys I could discern none of it. I stumbled and bumbled my way through it fighting for any glimmer of light. When I reached the end the finisihing chords seemed just out of my reach and in desparation I played F major and ended. Failure.
The failure was not that my piano playing was jumbled and in my ears unintelligible, my failure was that when I got to my seat burning tears ran molten paths down my checks, embarrassment coursed through my veins and pity rained down hard. I could not bring myself out of if for the rest of church my eyes where a deep shade of emerald and a hideous shade of crimson, my nose a fountain. Anyone who came up to me seemed to hold the key to unlock the tides a fresh. I hated that this was my reaction, so far from how I wanted to react and light years away from anything I pictured in my head of how this would go. I messed up sure but it’s not the end of the world. I wanted to slap myself and say snap out of it, but as the night progessed I only sunk deeper into this quick sand of selfish sorrow, it’s granulated tentacles pulling me further under the suffocating sands. This was the failure.
My piano playing was for me, I could say it wasn't that I was trying to please others, but my emotions display the true nature of my heart. And this saddens me even more because I feel broken and I want to be angry and upset and embarrassed, I want to hold a tantrum and go to my room and lock out the world. I want to be left alone and unnoticed. It’s me me me. My failure comes from my attitude and my eyes were not trained on the Lord but on myself. It’s a pattern I keep repeating. Let's move on already!
Any success I have comes from the Lord who works and shines through me. All of these emotions I have described above are selfish and false. Because in Christ I am a new creation, in Christ I can do all things, in Christ the rest of the world fades away, in Christ my weakness is made strong, in Christ He receives the glory. In Christ that is what I am. It is believing in that at all times and holding steadfast to this faith, that in Christ He can…..
Success comes not from playing well or cooking well or getting praise for any of it. Success comes from seeing who I am in Christ and from looking only to Him. Success is found in living for Christ, failure is not believing it. Success is allowing God to work through me and giving everything for His glory.
And God does have a sense of humor since that piano playing incident I have not played piano in a church since until now that is, when I was asked to play about a month ago, and will continue to play every couple weeks. To God be the glory!
Colossians 3:16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord.
