A Predetermined Response
It was a Wednesday morning when my phone rang; my midwife was calling. "Good morning I was calling because last night when we did the ultrasound I didn't check to see if there was a heart beat. I would like you to come in again so we can see whether or not your baby has a heart beat."
The night before one year and day since she had delivered my son we had gone to see her with joy and expectancy of a new little one to love. She performed the ultrasound to get a good measurement only to say I may not be as pregnant as I think. My little one who should have been eight weeks along was measuring at six weeks. We left thinking somehow my dates must have been off (but I kept calendars so I wasn't sure how that could be). My husband said not to worry, but I was unsettled. Then came Wednesday morning and the crushing phone call of needing to check to see if the baby had a heart beat.
I called my husband, I called my parents, we all began to pray. I cried out for the Lord to save my baby. I folded laundry and cried tears of anguish at the thought of what was once joyful expectancy ending in overwhelming grief. I begged for miracles. Praying led to questions how would I handle bad news? What if I went to the ultrasound to find no heart beat how would I respond? If my baby died would God no longer be good?
The answer I found was that no matter what he is always good. Was my situation good, No, but I could trust in that God is always good. And as Romans 8:28 says "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." So I began to pray to God to give me the grace to honor him through this no matter the outcome. I predetermined in my heart to say yes God no matter what you are good. I leaned upon his promises of turning my sorrow into joy. There was nothing to do but trust Him.
The next day my husband and I met my midwife for the ultrasound. It was at a local pregnancy center where their machine was more high tech. She turned it on and began to scan. The baby was measuring even smaller now: five weeks. And the heart beat was no where to be found. I would not be meeting this little one in nine months time. My heart broke. My heart ached for the little one now gone, for my husband, for our family. I wept, but God was still Good.
We went home crushed and began to call family and friends that knew. It was so hard to say the hopeful life we had growing inside me was now gone. I began to search out reasons why- why did I have a miscarriage, why did my baby stop growing. There were clinical responses, sometimes its genetics, hormones, one in four women experience miscarriages... we don't know all the reasons sometimes they just don't grow. Then came the why's that hurt to ask: Lord why me? Why my baby when so many babies are born unwanted?... Those why's are not profitable to ask because you won't get a response.
So I stopped asking and started remembering that my God is a good God. That in the midst of sorrow he is there. That I was not alone and that as I grieved he grieved with me. That even in this there is purpose. Matthew 18:10, 14 say this Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, that in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven. Even so it is not the will of your Father which is in heaven, that one of these little ones should perish. He knew, he saw my pain and understood. He too was a Father who had grieved and who does grieve over the loss of precious lives.
In the midst of my pain came thankfulness as well. I was thankful that we had a beautiful son who had just turned one. Thankful that I had Jesus and was not walking through this alone. Thankful that my baby did not have to face this world of pain and suffering. Thankful I could trust God even in this.
In life we face many trials, James says to count them for joy because it is working in us the character of Christ, each brings about a multitude of decisions. I could choose to be bitter against God for not saving my baby or I could choose to trust in his goodness and love for me, knowing that his ways are not my ways for they are much higher than I could ever hope to know. I could choose to let the depths of despair overtake me or I could choose to allow Jesus to heal the wound. I could choose to curse God as Job's wife tempted him to do (Job 2:9) or I could choose to praise him.
As the days passed I began to pray that God would just walk beside me, yes I was grieving but I still wanted him to receive glory. I have never known the peace of God as I have in this season. He blessed me with the peace of God that passed all understanding that did indeed keep my heart and mind in Jesus. (Philippians 4:7) Women around me were growing with children in their wombs, I asked God to give me grace to walk beside me in that, to rejoice with them and the hope they had. Yes, I have had days where my heart has ached in ways I can't express, but each time God has been there. He has bottled my tears, he has comforted my ache, he is bringing healing.
Through this my husband and I have grown closer together, we have grown closer to God. I am so thankful to a gentle Father who has met me in my hurt and has brought me under the shadow of his wings. I would never choose to walk down the path of miscarriage, but having walked down it I am thankful that I found the Lord there with me at every step.
~
I had it on my heart to write this for a while, my prayer is that it brings comfort to those in need. Because in every trial we can look to God and find the peace and comfort. In every storm he is there. As Horatio Spafford wrote, "When sorrows like sea billows roll, whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say, "It is well, it is well with my soul."
The night before one year and day since she had delivered my son we had gone to see her with joy and expectancy of a new little one to love. She performed the ultrasound to get a good measurement only to say I may not be as pregnant as I think. My little one who should have been eight weeks along was measuring at six weeks. We left thinking somehow my dates must have been off (but I kept calendars so I wasn't sure how that could be). My husband said not to worry, but I was unsettled. Then came Wednesday morning and the crushing phone call of needing to check to see if the baby had a heart beat.
I called my husband, I called my parents, we all began to pray. I cried out for the Lord to save my baby. I folded laundry and cried tears of anguish at the thought of what was once joyful expectancy ending in overwhelming grief. I begged for miracles. Praying led to questions how would I handle bad news? What if I went to the ultrasound to find no heart beat how would I respond? If my baby died would God no longer be good?
The answer I found was that no matter what he is always good. Was my situation good, No, but I could trust in that God is always good. And as Romans 8:28 says "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." So I began to pray to God to give me the grace to honor him through this no matter the outcome. I predetermined in my heart to say yes God no matter what you are good. I leaned upon his promises of turning my sorrow into joy. There was nothing to do but trust Him.
The next day my husband and I met my midwife for the ultrasound. It was at a local pregnancy center where their machine was more high tech. She turned it on and began to scan. The baby was measuring even smaller now: five weeks. And the heart beat was no where to be found. I would not be meeting this little one in nine months time. My heart broke. My heart ached for the little one now gone, for my husband, for our family. I wept, but God was still Good.
We went home crushed and began to call family and friends that knew. It was so hard to say the hopeful life we had growing inside me was now gone. I began to search out reasons why- why did I have a miscarriage, why did my baby stop growing. There were clinical responses, sometimes its genetics, hormones, one in four women experience miscarriages... we don't know all the reasons sometimes they just don't grow. Then came the why's that hurt to ask: Lord why me? Why my baby when so many babies are born unwanted?... Those why's are not profitable to ask because you won't get a response.
So I stopped asking and started remembering that my God is a good God. That in the midst of sorrow he is there. That I was not alone and that as I grieved he grieved with me. That even in this there is purpose. Matthew 18:10, 14 say this Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, that in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven. Even so it is not the will of your Father which is in heaven, that one of these little ones should perish. He knew, he saw my pain and understood. He too was a Father who had grieved and who does grieve over the loss of precious lives.
In the midst of my pain came thankfulness as well. I was thankful that we had a beautiful son who had just turned one. Thankful that I had Jesus and was not walking through this alone. Thankful that my baby did not have to face this world of pain and suffering. Thankful I could trust God even in this.
In life we face many trials, James says to count them for joy because it is working in us the character of Christ, each brings about a multitude of decisions. I could choose to be bitter against God for not saving my baby or I could choose to trust in his goodness and love for me, knowing that his ways are not my ways for they are much higher than I could ever hope to know. I could choose to let the depths of despair overtake me or I could choose to allow Jesus to heal the wound. I could choose to curse God as Job's wife tempted him to do (Job 2:9) or I could choose to praise him.
As the days passed I began to pray that God would just walk beside me, yes I was grieving but I still wanted him to receive glory. I have never known the peace of God as I have in this season. He blessed me with the peace of God that passed all understanding that did indeed keep my heart and mind in Jesus. (Philippians 4:7) Women around me were growing with children in their wombs, I asked God to give me grace to walk beside me in that, to rejoice with them and the hope they had. Yes, I have had days where my heart has ached in ways I can't express, but each time God has been there. He has bottled my tears, he has comforted my ache, he is bringing healing.Through this my husband and I have grown closer together, we have grown closer to God. I am so thankful to a gentle Father who has met me in my hurt and has brought me under the shadow of his wings. I would never choose to walk down the path of miscarriage, but having walked down it I am thankful that I found the Lord there with me at every step.
~
I had it on my heart to write this for a while, my prayer is that it brings comfort to those in need. Because in every trial we can look to God and find the peace and comfort. In every storm he is there. As Horatio Spafford wrote, "When sorrows like sea billows roll, whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say, "It is well, it is well with my soul."
