The Little Ones We Hold Dear
This past February I had my fifth child, a sweet little boy, to the world he looked like my third but there were two before him that he won't get to know this side of heaven.
Soon after my husband and I married we got pregnant with our first and delivered a healthy baby boy, ten months later we found out we were pregnant again but at the first ultrasound instead of meeting a little peanut with a strong heart beat, we meet with confusion, did I have the wrong date? It was measuring much smaller than it should. A few days later another ultrasound confirmed what we had already begun to fear that baby was lost, I miscarried naturally a week later. (You can read about that journey here.)
Some months passed and in February of the next year we once again found out we were expecting! We were excited and cautious. I met with a different midwife this time at each appointment the heart beat picked up strong on the doppler. Our hope soared. At 19 weeks we went to find out the gender of our little one. I thought it might be a girl because I had been so nauseous this time around unlike with my son. I will never forget that evening. On the screen in front of us as the technician moved the wand around we saw our baby moving wildly in the womb. My husband pointed the baby out to our 18 month old son, "Look there's the baby, wow they are really kicking." The technician in a grim voice said, "there's a reason for that." My heart dropped, I saw it on the screen a large mass next to the baby. I thought I must have some kind of tumor. But no, the technician went on to say it's a girl actually there are two girls! TWINS (what I thought was a mass turned out to be my Tessa Joy's head). "But," she said, "the reason the one is moving so much is because from what I can see it looks like she has a condition called anencephaly and this particular condition is incompatible with life outside of the womb." My one daughter looked healthy and was growing on track while my other sweet girl Hannah Hope was growing but had no chance of surviving outside of the womb, if she even survived the birth, if she made it to the birth. I can't describe the pain of it, knowing you are carrying a child that you won't get to celebrate it's first birthday with, or teach it all the things you have been dreaming to, or to simply snuggle at nights.
After going into preterm labor at 26 weeks and being on hospital bed rest for the next six I delivered two precious girls at 10:54 pm and 11:04pm. Tessa Joy came out first crying and than came Hannah she was silent but her heart was beating. She was wheeled into the recovery room with me where my husband and I along got to hold and snuggle her for a few hours before she passed away. (If you want to read that whole journey I have several posts on that under the label pregnancy)
I have since gone on to deliver another little boy as I mentioned above. So in all I have had five children three of which I get the pleasure of spending my days with tying shoes, changing diapers, reading mountains of books to, and exploring all the wonder of God's creation with. I love being a mom to them all and most of my days are filled with joy, but there are sometimes where the ache is ever present. Like on Tessa's birthday when I know it was her sisters too. Or when I look in the back seats of our van thinking it would be full if all of our kiddos were here.
And while October 15th is a day where many remember there sweet children who have gone far too early I want it too to be a day of Hope. Hope in that God has a perfect plan; that the pain of loss does not go unnoticed nor is it in vain. Second Corinthians 1:2-4 says Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort where with we ourselves are comforted of God." In our deepest pain He comforts us and than through that we gain strength to comfort others. Also what brought me great comfort in both of the losses I have suffered is that God too has known loss. His son died as well and suffered unimaginable pain, but was risen again that we might have life. It is not God's design that I would miscarry my baby or would have another born with a birth defect so severe it could not live. God had a perfect design that for a time has be marred by sin and yet it is through the death of his son that all will one day be restored and redeemed. And for that I am hopeful. But today I take time to remember the sweet children that came and left far to quickly. I am grateful to be their mom too.
Soon after my husband and I married we got pregnant with our first and delivered a healthy baby boy, ten months later we found out we were pregnant again but at the first ultrasound instead of meeting a little peanut with a strong heart beat, we meet with confusion, did I have the wrong date? It was measuring much smaller than it should. A few days later another ultrasound confirmed what we had already begun to fear that baby was lost, I miscarried naturally a week later. (You can read about that journey here.)
Some months passed and in February of the next year we once again found out we were expecting! We were excited and cautious. I met with a different midwife this time at each appointment the heart beat picked up strong on the doppler. Our hope soared. At 19 weeks we went to find out the gender of our little one. I thought it might be a girl because I had been so nauseous this time around unlike with my son. I will never forget that evening. On the screen in front of us as the technician moved the wand around we saw our baby moving wildly in the womb. My husband pointed the baby out to our 18 month old son, "Look there's the baby, wow they are really kicking." The technician in a grim voice said, "there's a reason for that." My heart dropped, I saw it on the screen a large mass next to the baby. I thought I must have some kind of tumor. But no, the technician went on to say it's a girl actually there are two girls! TWINS (what I thought was a mass turned out to be my Tessa Joy's head). "But," she said, "the reason the one is moving so much is because from what I can see it looks like she has a condition called anencephaly and this particular condition is incompatible with life outside of the womb." My one daughter looked healthy and was growing on track while my other sweet girl Hannah Hope was growing but had no chance of surviving outside of the womb, if she even survived the birth, if she made it to the birth. I can't describe the pain of it, knowing you are carrying a child that you won't get to celebrate it's first birthday with, or teach it all the things you have been dreaming to, or to simply snuggle at nights.
After going into preterm labor at 26 weeks and being on hospital bed rest for the next six I delivered two precious girls at 10:54 pm and 11:04pm. Tessa Joy came out first crying and than came Hannah she was silent but her heart was beating. She was wheeled into the recovery room with me where my husband and I along got to hold and snuggle her for a few hours before she passed away. (If you want to read that whole journey I have several posts on that under the label pregnancy)
I have since gone on to deliver another little boy as I mentioned above. So in all I have had five children three of which I get the pleasure of spending my days with tying shoes, changing diapers, reading mountains of books to, and exploring all the wonder of God's creation with. I love being a mom to them all and most of my days are filled with joy, but there are sometimes where the ache is ever present. Like on Tessa's birthday when I know it was her sisters too. Or when I look in the back seats of our van thinking it would be full if all of our kiddos were here.
And while October 15th is a day where many remember there sweet children who have gone far too early I want it too to be a day of Hope. Hope in that God has a perfect plan; that the pain of loss does not go unnoticed nor is it in vain. Second Corinthians 1:2-4 says Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort where with we ourselves are comforted of God." In our deepest pain He comforts us and than through that we gain strength to comfort others. Also what brought me great comfort in both of the losses I have suffered is that God too has known loss. His son died as well and suffered unimaginable pain, but was risen again that we might have life. It is not God's design that I would miscarry my baby or would have another born with a birth defect so severe it could not live. God had a perfect design that for a time has be marred by sin and yet it is through the death of his son that all will one day be restored and redeemed. And for that I am hopeful. But today I take time to remember the sweet children that came and left far to quickly. I am grateful to be their mom too.
